People who know me know that I often say "Miracles happen every day." They do! The catch is that they rarely, if ever, happen fast. It's more of a process. It's like that saying: "Anything worth having takes time." I'd be hard-pressed to argue with that one. Miracles occur slowly over time and the process can be so slow that we don't see it happening before our very eyes, like kiddos growing up, or flowers blooming or ice melting. If we look at the first frame and then the last frame, it is astounding. But it happened right in front of our eyes.
I am loathe to hear people say "People Never Change." Sure they do; people change all the time! The deal-breaker here is whether they have made a commitment to change. If there is a commitment, there can and will be change. Can you imagine someone making a change in themselves if they didn't really care either way or if they put forward a half-hearted attempt? No way. As a matter of fact it is impossible to stop someone who has made a commitment to change. That's the key.
So what is a commitment anyway? The best definition I've ever heard is that it is "a decision you make with your mind that you honor no matter how you feel on any given day." This definition helps us understand why people often cannot make changes for the long haul. Its about honoring a decision that the mind makes, not letting feelings derail us. Let me hasten to add that there's nothing wrong with feelings (I am a counselor, after all) but we can't let feelings or impulses alway dictate how we will behave - especially concerning life changes.
Let's play this out. Say I decide I want to get healthier by not eating sugary, fatty foods. I can think of a million reasons why this is a good idea. So I resolve that I will eat healthier. A few days later a gooey brownie or sundae or a nice fatty burger cross my path. Without a commitment, I come up with rationalizations* to indulge (why not, I'll do better tomorrow, life is short, I've been good blah blah blah yada yada had you know the drill.) This is why "resolutions" barely survive the first two weeks in January without a commitment.
So what if there is a commitment? With a commitment, I expect that my feelings will change but I can't let them throw me. Instead, I have chosen to honor the decision with I have made with my mind. (Stay with me.) So say I have committed to stop drinking alcohol. It's a hot day, I'm mowing the lawn, I have 41 days sober and my neighbor cracks open a Coors Light and reaches over the fence to offer me one. (He or she is doing what we've always done, they just don't know where I'm at with getting sober, etc.) The beer looks GOOD, sounds GOOD, it's HOT and I can almost taste it. But I am committed to not drinking, so I chalk this urge up to my feelings trying to take over. I know that if I drink it I will be very unhappy with myself in short order, even though in the moment it may feel good. I choose to honor my commitment, even though it is the "least fun" alternative. I trust my decision because I made it with my mind and I know my feelings are fluid. (Wait - it gets better...) By choosing to honor my commitment, I am forced to practice new behaviors, coping skills, etc. So I walk away, call my AA sponsor or friend, get some iced tea, got to a meeting, whatever. I use a new behavior. So by honoring my commitment, I have made it easier for myself to do so next time because I've practiced a new behavior, and it's become more familiar and easier to reach for next time. (And there will be a next time). Cool, huh?
*When we RATIONALIZE, we tell ourselves "Rational Lies." I did not make this up, but it's awesome.
