I hope somebody Googling "How to Get Your Ex Back" finds this page. I think someone could make a million dollars dispensing crazy advice to the brokenhearted. When some people are broken up with, they lose their minds a little. They go to psychics, consider casting spells, think of ways to change themselves to make their former partner "like them again," stalk (kind of), make embarrassing phone calls or send embarrassing emails/texts... Ugh.
When you Google "How to Survive a Breakup," there are A LOT of articles and websites about HOW TO GET HIM BACK.( I guess more women are looking than men?) The questions is WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO? This is someone who said: I don't love you/ I don't want to be with you/ I love you but I'm not in love with you (but I'm ok with hurting you)/ can we be friends? (Why would you want to be friends with this person?)
So someone BROKE UP WITH YOU. Guess what?! It's really about THEM choosing being alone, or being with someone else, over being with YOU. Does it hurt? Yes, rejection hurts. As does abandonment and losing the "happy ever after" dream. Hurts AND sucks, something awful. I hear you. I think we have ALL been there. Depending on how long you were half of a couple and how much you wanted to be with your partner, it can be BRUTAL. Hurts the ego, the heart, everything. It feels like you will NEVER get over it (you will), you'll NEVER meet anyone else (you will) and life is now going to suck forever (it won't). Promise.It involves a process called GRIEF, which can't be rushed, by the way.
The five stages of GRIEF,: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are the framework of the GRIEF PROCESS, or us learning to live with LOSS. These stages are NOT linear though. We usually don't go through them in order. Sometimes we repeat stages. It's different for everyone. BUT WE NEED TO GRIEVE IN ORDER TO RECOVER AND MOVE ON. That is a fact. We can't avoid it or bypass it and recover from it. If we avoid it or prolong it, we cause ourselves more pain. Do we need more pain at such a time? No way.
So the idea is to put on our big kid panties and move FOREWARD. How to do that? The best suggestion I have is to practice NO CONTACT with the ex. I'm not going to lie; it's HARD. Really HARD. That means no calls, texts, drop-ins, emails, letters, drive-bys, cute cards, sad cards, gifts in the mail, ads in the paper (yes, it's been done), billboards (also been done), hysterics, flower-balloon-candy-sending, begging, pleading, crying OR threats. Or anything you can think up that I may have left out. None of it. Why not, you say? There's several good reasons:
A). Dignity and self-esteem. Don't EVER chase anyone who told you they don't want you. Would you let your child or best friend do that? Nope. It's degrading and self-effacing. Just don't do it. Write all the letters to them that you want but don't mail them. Get those feelings out but don't crawl. THEY left YOU. Call your friends, go to a counselor, do whatever it takes.
B) You cannot look forward and look back at the same time. That's a fact. Look forward! Why look back? You already know how it turned out.
C) It really messes up your grieving. It's like quitting smoking or giving up chocolate. A puff or a taste may feel better, but your will go right back to square one with the hurt. Not worth it. Go cold turkey and move ahead.
D) Contact with them is self-delusion. Think about it. Say you "get them back" with your tactics. Will you trust it or will you be waiting for the next breakup? They lost your trust, whether you admit it or not. Do you really want to go down that rabbit hole again?
Hopefully you are at least considering NO CONTACT. It's really the best idea ever with respect to break ups. So how do you get through NO CONTACT? Here's some ideas:
1. Block their phone number(s), email addresses, etc. Change the locks. Delete their contact info.
2. Pack up their stuff (if you have any) and have a friend drop it off to them. Get rid of it. It's got bad juju for you. You don't want it around. Trust me. (Don't put any notes in it).
3. Get rid of anything which reminds you of them. Donate it. You'll be sparing yourself and doing a good deed at the same time. (This is especially true of gifts they gave you, their toiletries or special food items you have just for them. Turn the page).
4. Rearrange your furniture. Get a friend or friends to help you for ideas and to save your body. (I know it sounds nuts but it will really help. Especially your bed. It moves the energy around and shakes up the stagnant vibes.)
5. Buy yourself flowers to brighten up your place. Get new towels and/or sheets. Change the lighting. Get a plant and take care of it. Name it if you want.
6. Get a sage smudge stick and "smudge" your place. Get rid of bad energy. Read how to do it online. Don't start a fire. Be careful.
7. Get a scented candle in a scent you like and has not associations to THEM. Light it. Again... Be careful. Don't start a fire.
8. See a counselor. It helps to talk about how you feel. Talk to your friends. Hopefully you will get sick of saying it before they get sick of hearing it. That's what friends do for each other.
9. If you feel like breaking NO CONTACT take a shower, clean the bathroom, mop the floor, do laundry, clean out the fridge or call a friend. Anything. Just stay strong.
10. And lastly, a DON'T. No Tinder, Match.com, hook-ups, one night stands or new relationships. You are not ready. It's not worth it and you could end up hurting someone, in addition to yourself. "Happiness is an inside job." Write that down and hang it on the fridge.
